Why we become self-critical and how to break the cycle

A brief exploration of the inner critic

Most people are far harsher toward themselves than they would ever be toward a friend or a loved one. They frequently describe thoughts such as “You’re not good enough,” “You should have done better,” or “You always mess things up”. Sometimes, people view this inner critic as a positive force and believe that they would never be motivated enough to achieve their goals without it. However, over time, self-criticism can wear you down by fuelling anxiety, shame, perfectionism, burnout, and depression. It may also impact relationships, career confidence, and the ability to take healthy risks.

The presence of self-criticism is not inherent but rather learned through past experiences. This means that certain strategies can also help to unlearn some of these behaviours.

Where self-criticism comes from

Self-criticism is usually a strategy the mind developed to stay safe, do well, or prevent rejection. Some common origins include:

1. Early family dynamics

Being raised in an environment where you experienced unreasonably high expectations, where approval was conditional on you behaving in the right way, where there was a lot of criticism or comparison, or where caregivers were perfectionistic, you might have developed self-critical thoughts.

This is because you learned that self-monitoring and self-pressure were ways to avoid conflict, shame, or disconnection.

2. Cultural and societal pressure

Messages like “Never fail,” “Boys don’t cry,” or “You should be further in life by now” reinforce self-judgment as a form of motivation.

3. Trauma or chronic stress

When the brain is forced to contend with traumatic experiences, it often turns inward. Self-criticism becomes a misguided attempt to control the environment by controlling yourself.

4. Attachment wounds

If love, attention, or safety felt unpredictable, you may have learned to blame yourself:
“If I try harder or become better, I won’t be abandoned or disappointed again.” It can be easier to try and find a fault within ourselves than within others, especially when we can’t control or influence their behaviour.

Why self-criticism feels so “natural”

At some point in your life, self-criticism might have worked or helped you in a situation where you needed to feel in control, avoid trouble, or succeed. However, as a long-term strategy, self-criticism actually:

• increases cortisol (stress hormone)

• reduces motivation

• impairs creativity and learning

• intensifies anxiety and depression

• weakens immune functioning

What self-criticism is actually trying to do

Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) views the inner critic not as an enemy, but as a misguided protector that is trying to prevent embarrassment, avoid rejection, motivate, or protect you. The problem is its method: fear, pressure, shame, or harshness.

Example:
Your inner critic might say, “You’re useless. Why did you say that?” where the underlying intention actually is: “I don’t want you to be hurt or judged again.”

Some people, however, have a hateful critic, one without positive intentions who just wants to make you suffer.

In therapy, you can learn to differentiate between the two and learn how to work with your misguided protector and banish the hateful critic.

How to break the cycle of self-criticism

Therapy can help you explore your inner critic, including why it’s there, what it’s trying to achieve, and how it might be trying to help you. It can also help you to cultivate a compassionate voice and learn how to soothe yourself. This can help the harsh inner voice to soften, transform, and make space for a more supportive way of relating to yourself.

References:

Blatt, S. J., & Zuroff, D. C. (1992). Interpersonal relatedness and self-definition: Two prototypes for depression. Clinical Psychology Review, 12(5), 527–562. https://doi.org/10.1016/0272-7358(92)90070-o

Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges. Constable & Robinson.

Kim, J. J., Parker, S. L., Doty, J. R., Cunnington, R., Gilbert, P., & Kirby, J. N. (2020). Neurophysiological and behavioural markers of compassion. Scientific Reports, 10(1). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41598-020-63846-3

‌Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press.